1980S CULT CINEMA IS BACK! After more than two decades, Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer make their big comeback

Produced by: David DeCouteau, Marco Colombo and Martin Hellman
Directed by: David DeCoteau
Screenplay by: Matthew Jason Walsh
Genre: Cult – Horror, Scream Queens
Country of Production: United States
Released: February 21, 2012


A LITTLE COUGAR ACTION - 1313: Cougar Cult director David DeCoteau poses with Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke Stevens

Like the rest of the films in David DeCoteau’s 1313 series, Cougar Cult barely has anything that even closely resembles a plot.  Edwina (Brinke Stevens), Clara (Linnea Quigley), and Victoria (Michelle Bauer) are three wealthy cougars (the older woman kind) who own an expensive mansion.  They hire three healthy and virile young men, Rufus (Ryan Curry), Darwin (Bryce Durfee), and Coopersmith (Jack Kubacki) to take care of the place during the summer.  They are also expected to cook their meals and provide massages.

The three sisters are actually a coven of witches who use their seductive charms to lure young men to their home.  They use an amulet to hypnotize the guys, which allows the witches to turn into flesh-eating cougars (the animal kind) and chow down on them.  The witches need to do this in order to live forever

There seems to be no shortage of willing and available young men for the ladies to victimize.  At one point during the film, a deliveryman comes to the door; the witches take advantage of this, casually seducing him having their way with him; he makes an excellent appetizer.


WITCHY WOMAN - Linnea Quigley helps to salvage an otherwise unwatchable movie by providing some babe appeal

The 1313 series is designed to showcase healthy, virile young men who run around in nothing but their underwear while trying to avoid being killed.  In the case of this movie, the idea is to avoid being hypnotized by three witches, so that said witches can turn into cougars and eat them, allowing them to stay alive forever.  David DeCoteau, who must hold some kind of a record for cranking out large numbers of movies, created this series of films as a counterbalance to all of the campy horror movies out there that feature scantily-clad babes running around trying to avoid having their heads chopped off or whatever.  These films are intended to appeal to women, as well as to gay men (of which the producer is one).

MOONLIGHTING - The three Scream Queens take a break from filming to make an anti-perspirant commercial

The one special effect that features prominently in the movie is laughable.  When the witches turn into cougars, they don’t actually turn into cougars.  All we see is the sudden appearance of cougar masks over their faces.  These masks are so shoddily-constructed that no self-respecting small child would even consider wearing one on Halloween.

Another thing that is peculiar to this series of films is the lack of blood.  Apparently, this is common to the 1313 series (although I cannot say for sure, having only seen this one).  We don’t even get to see the “cougars” eating their victims.

Babe Content

MY FAVORITE SCREAM QUEEN - Brinke Stevens steals every show that she ever appears in

The only reason I bothered with this movie is that it featured not just one, but three prominent Scream Queens from the 1980s.  It marks the first reunion of Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke Stevens in twenty-four years, since they last appeared together in Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama in 1988.  The three ladies are in fine form as they once again team up to entertain us.

Linnea Quigley, as Clara, the coven’s leader, is a total babe.  She is one of those ladies who has actually become even more attractive as she has gotten older (like Majel Barrett Roddenberry of Star Trek).  In this film, she comes off as a total femme fatale.  She is the one who possesses the amulet that puts their victims into a trance, making it easy for her and her sisters to have their way with them.

Brinke Stevens, as Edwina, also delivers the goods in term of her performance, as well as in providing sex appeal.  She has always been my favorite Scream Queen and, after more than two decades, remains a stunningly sexy and provocative babe.  She wears a little black dress, and uses it to full effect, helping to lure their victims to their doom.

MICHELLE, MY BELLE - Michelle Bauer, as Victoria, adds some smoldering sexuality to her appearance in this film

Bringing up the rear is Michelle Bauer in her performance as Victoria.  She, also, still has what it takes in this film.  Not to be outdone, she joins her sisters in wearing a sexy black mini-dress of her own, also becoming a lady killer (literally).

It is especially true these days that a woman doesn’t have to be a twenty-something appearing in Playboy to qualify as a babe.  The ladies are taking better care of themselves than used to be the case, and it shows.  Or maybe it’s because, at my age, I’m looking at women differently than I did thirty or forty years ago.  In any event, there are a lot of very lovely ladies out there, of all ages, just waiting to be admired.  It’s nice to see my Scream Queens back in action again after all these years, looking as good as, or even better than ever.  I, for one, hope to see the three of them together again for more cinematic fun.

1313: Cougar Cult could never be described as a great movie, or even a good one.  The plot and effects are laughable, as is much of the premise.  This is not the point.  The film justifies its existence by employing three incredible babes from the 1980s who return to entertain us once again in the twenty-first century, looking better than ever.