Jessica is the latest in a series of payroll babes I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with in my CPA practice. Payroll is one of those functions that my clients need, but is more of a pain in the butt to deal with than it would be worth in terms of what I could charge the client. Several payroll services exist for the purpose of providing this service, which they do more efficiently, and on a more cost effective basis, than I could do myself. At any given time, I’ve dealt with one payroll service provider or another through a representative assigned by the company. The problem has always been that, sooner or later, the rep moves on, leaving me with the problem of breaking in somebody new.
Almost all of the reps I’ve dealt with over the last seventeen years have been babes, all of whom have had pleasing, outgoing personalities, making them fun to work with. Unfortunately, none of them have stuck with me for very long. Heidi, Holly, Rae Ann, and many others whose names I have forgotten were all nice to work with, and all quite cute as well. However, they all eventually bailed on me.
Jessica is different. Maybe it’s because she has dark hair (all of the previous reps I’ve dealt with have been blondes). Not that there is anything wrong with blondes, but they do tend to be rather light-headed at times. Jessica, who works for Benefit Mall (which used to be called Compupay), came to me about ten years ago as a replacement for Rae Ann, who left because her husband, a football coach, got a job in Iowa or some other God-forsaken place where they actually have winters. She has been with me ever since. There is definitely substance to her style.
Jessica is neither human, nor is she an extraterrestrial life form. She is actually one of the Fembots that Dr. Evil created as a way to eliminate Austin Powers, who stood in the way of his taking over the world. If you remember the 1997 film Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, you will know what I am talking about. When Austin Powers used his mojo to deactivate the Fembots, the one who became Jessica was the only one to survive (aside from the one who was undercover as Austin’s partner and lover, Vanessa Kensington). Dr. Evil was defeated in due course, with Austin and Vanessa saving the day.
Dr. Evil’s demise and the loss of her fellow Fembots left Jessica alone and isolated. This forced her to reinvent herself, which she did by moving to Pennsylvania. She changed her appearance, adopting the look and persona of a twenty-something young woman of Italian descent. Having total control over her image and personality, the new Jessica made herself incredibly beautiful; she also gave herself a personality makeover, changing from being a soul-less killing machine to a very nice, intelligent, and pleasant young lady.
The first time she ventured outside with her new look, she attracted the attention of a young man by the name of Micah, who was immediately smitten by her beauty and charm. It was truly love at first sight. Jessica, with her Fembot instincts still in place, could discern that he was honest and sincere; she attached herself to him without hesitation. Wanting to make a new life for themselves, the couple left Pennsylvania behind and came to San Diego, where they got married. They have remained here to this day. To the best of my knowledge, Micah is the only person on Earth who is married to an android.
Jessica and Micah are the proud “parents” to a cat, a little girl by the name of Cinder. This is something that has endeared her to me, as I am a major cat lover. They have wanted to have an actual baby for the longest time, but Jessica’s android physiology has made that difficult. They have consulted the leading researchers in the San Diego scientific community in an attempt to find a way to overcome this, so that Jessica can get pregnant. They recently received good news – one of the major think tanks here in town has figured out a way for a human male to impregnate an android female. I am so happy for her. Jessica has a lot of love in her heart, and I know that she will be a fantastic mother for her child.
I feel that I must give fair warning. Despite the change in her look and personality, Jessica is still a Fembot. As such, she is able to shoot bullets out of her boobs, and she maintains a full supply of ammunition. I pity the poor fool who tries to mess with her!
Over the years that I have dealt with her, Jessica has become a very dear and close friend. I have become quite fond of her, and look forward to having her come into the office. Of course, I refer any of my clients who need payroll service to her; she is always very appreciative of this. She comes into the office several times a year, bringing lunch. This always brightens up my day. A total babe giving me a nice hug and bringing me Chinese food – what’s not to like? The people I work with in my office have become like a family. At some point along with way, when it became clear that Jessica was here to stay and after we had all become friends, Robin and I decided to adopt Jessica into our office family, even though we don’t see her every day.
So here’s to Jessica – may she always be happy and healthy, and may she always be around!